Thirtysomething

They say that writing is therapy, so here goes ...

By Matthew Taylor

I tried to go to sleep and pretend that it was all just a terrible nightmare: 30-3! Pinch me, and make it hard.

Well, I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to do a late night e-mail check. It served as a reminder that my friends haven’t forgotten about me; they're always there when I need them most.

A sampling of the messages I received:

“30-3? Is that a misprint???”

“Let me check with my copywriter, he is good at this type of thing: 'Could the O's have really given up 30 runs to set a new MLB record? Must have been a typo, right?'”

“Did the Ravens lose 30-3 tonight?”

“30 runs?!?! How are you? How does one handle a jackhammering like that?”

Who needs enemies when you've got friends?

Here are some of the random thoughts that came to mind as I attempted to handle the jackhammering that was Wednesday night's doubleheader:

-Major League Baseball really needs a mercy rule.

-Good news, bad news.

The good news is that the O’s are the top story in the sports world.

The bad news …

-Isn't there something to report about Michael Vick?

-Perhaps tonight's game was an informal tribute to Wild Bill Hagy, because I sure wanted to drink nine beers and toss a cooler from the upper deck.

-Actually, I’ve got to think that Kevin Millar was somehow responsible for all of this. He’s just playing a cruel joke on Dave Trembley.

“Congratulations on the job, Dave. We lost by 27 runs. You got punked!”

I’m also pretty sure that Amber Theoharis was an accomplice.

-If I were an O’s player, I would’ve charged the mound … while my own pitcher was on it. Sure, it’s unprecedented, but so is giving up 30 runs in the modern baseball era.

-On the other hand, if I were an O’s beat reporter and I had one question to ask during the post-game press conference, it would be this:

“After a close loss we typically hear your players say, ‘I’d rather get blown out than lose a game like this.’ So is it safe to say that the guys in the clubhouse are pretty happy tonight?”

-Look at the upside, O’s fans: we no longer have to explain to other fans that our bullpen is the problem.

-Does anyone honestly believe that gamblers will bet the under on the O's again this season?

-And to think, I was pissed off at work when I checked the score and it went from 3-0 Orioles to 5-3 Rangers before I left the office. By the time I got home it was 14-3.

-Number of runs the O’s scored in their seven previous games combined: 39. Number of runs the Rangers scored in Wednesday’s doubleheader: 39.

-As long as we’re looking at the numbers – Texas had more RBIs in one game than Jay Gibbons has all season.

-Courtesy of the Carroll County Times: "To put the loss in even further perspective, Erik Bedard has allowed 31 runs in his last 17 starts while it took four Orioles pitchers just one night to surrender a run fewer."

-(Imaginary) Transcript from the O’s bullpen, courtesy of “Wired Wednesdays” -

Brian Burress: “Okay, dare.”

Other relievers: “We dare you to give up eight runs in less than a full inning.”
…

Rob Bell: “Okay, dare.”

Other relievers: “We dare you to give up seven more runs.”
…

Paul Schuey: “Well, I know I’m going to regret this, but dare ….”

-I couldn't even come up with 30 curse words during the game.

-Do you think Dave Trembley wishes he was on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" ... “I never said it was my final answer!”

I really need some sleep.