Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ask Roar from 34 - Slip 'N Slide Edition

The fourth installment of my imagined advice column "Ask Roar from 34" probes vital topics including ballpark promotions, runners in scoring position, and excessive perspiration.

(See past "Ask Roar from 34" columns here.)

Dear Roar from 34,

Attendance is, um, down a bit in Baltimore these days. Any ideas on how to gin up excitement and put fans back in the seats?


Dear Green(chair)backs,

Promotions are key. For instance, how about tandem bike races featuring teams with a Baltimore connection?

Match-ups could include:

Nestor Aparicio and Peter Angelos vs. Roch Kubatko and the Oriole Bird

Peter Schmuck and Juan Samuel vs. David Steele and Sam Perlozzo

Aubrey Huff and Bubba the Love Sponge vs. Cal Ripken and Jon Miller

Sidney Ponson and James Hetfield vs. Scott Erickson and Lars Ulrich

Some other promotions to consider:

Garrett Atkins Dunk Tank

Install a Slip 'N Slide between third base and home

Adam Jones Helmet Toss Contest for fans

Geronimo Berroa T-Shirt Tuesday

Dear Roar from 34,

The Orioles have been horrendous with runners in scoring position this season. What can they do to improve?

-No Offense

Dear No Offense,

Petition Major League Baseball to allow our hitters to face our bullpen in clutch situations. Seems fair.

-Roar from 34

Dear Roar from 34,

I have some perspiration issues when I'm on the mound.

-Hot and Bothered

Dear Hot and Bothered,

Stop sweating and start living!

-Roar from 34

Dear Roar from 34,

I'm a slugger considering Baltimore as a free-agent destination this off-season. Why should I become an Oriole?

-Not Really

Dear Not Really,

Very funny.

-Roar from 34

Dear Roar from 34,

I keep hearing people say "The writing's on the wall" for me. Where's the damn wall? I've been looking everywhere for it.

-Dave Trembling

Dear Trembling,

You'll find it soon enough.

-Roar from 34



Stacey said...

I would pay good American currency to have a go at Garrett Atkins in the drunk tank.

Matthew Taylor said...

Definitely a money maker. The O's should consider it. I'm also rather partial to the Slip 'N Slide idea. It would particularly fun to watch during walk-off home runs and close plays at the plate.

Imagine that Corey Patterson game-ending throw from a week ago with a Slip 'N Slide in the mix. I can almost hear Joe Angel on the radio: "Wilson rounds third, dives onto the Slip 'N Slide, building good speed and ... Wieters ... tags him for the out. Splish-Splash, Josh Wilson took a bath. And this one is in the win column for the Orioles."